Marik Plays Skyrim
by JumperCable2
Summary: I just had this idea burning a hole in my head, and until LittleKuriboh makes one, the only 'Marik Plays Skyrim' on Youtube is absolute crap.


**Hey. I'm probably not gonna do another chapter for this, unless there's like a billion comments later demanding I keep going. But even if that happens, I'm just gonna stick to the main questline.**

Marik: Heh? What the frigg's going on? I can hear the sound, but there's no picture!...Oh. It just...faded in.

 **title comes up**

Marik: Elder Scrolls V. (pronounces as the letter.)

Bakura: That's five you idiot!

Marik: Look, I know I was homeschooled underground, but I know how to read Bakura!

Bakura: I meant that's a Roman numeral.

Marik: What's that mean? Does the numeral not have good signal?

Bakura; What?

Marik; You just said it was roamin'.

Bakura; That's not...oh forget it.

Marik; What the frigg is Thor doing here? And why are we both in a cart with our hands tied? Is that Roman soldier driving? Are the Romans doing human trafficking again?

Ralof; Hey, you. You're finally awake.

Marik; I was asleep?

Ralof; You were trying to cross the border, right?

Marik; Border?!

Ralof; Walked right into that Imperial ambush. Same as us, and that thief over there.

Lokir; Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy.

Marik; I got arrested?!

Lokir; If they hadn't been looking for you, I could have stolen that horse and been halfway to Hammerfell.

Marik; If the hammer fell, why didn't you pick it up?

Bakura; That's another province Marik.

Marik; Province? Where are we? Canada?

Bakura; We're in bloody Skyrim, Marik. It's the same title as the game.

Lokir; You there, You and me – We shouldn't be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants.

Marik; Yes! I demand to speak to my lawyer! Where's my one phone call?!

Ralof; We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief.

Imperial Soldier; Shut up back there!

Marik; Brothers and sisters? I see no women in this cart whatsoever. And for that matter, this is the worst family reunion I've ever been to! And considering my father, that's really saying something.

Lokir; And what's wrong with him, huh?

Ralof; Watch your tongue. You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King.

Marik; These guys are rebels that took this guy's family name? Talk about kissing up to the boss.

Lokir; Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they've captured you...Oh gods, where are they taking us?

Marik; Yes, what in the name of Set is going on here?!

Ralof; I don't know where we're going, but Sovngarde awaits.

Marik; And what the frigg is Sovngarde?

Lokir; No, this can't be happening. This isn't happening.

Marik; So we're basically with the rebels, and the Empire's going to kill us? This is like Star Wars all over again.

Ralof; Hey, what village are you from, horse thief?

Lokir; Why do you care?

Ralof; A Nord's last thoughts should be of home.

Marik; What the frigg is a Nord? Are we frigging vikings now?!

Lokir; Rorikstead. I'm...I'm from Rorikstead.

Imperial Soldier; General Tullius sir, the headsman is waiting.

Tullius; Good, let's get this over with.

Marik; You're going to chop off my head?! WHERE THE "EFF" IS MY LAWYER?!

Lokir; Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh. Divines, please help me.

Marik; Oh great, a bunch of gods I've never even heard of. Ancient Egypt had too many gods already.

Ralof; Look at him, General Tullius the Military Governor. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn elves. I bet they had something to do with this.

Marik; Of course! Santa's elves revolted and took over the world! I knew this day would come.

Bakura; Wrong kind of elves Marik. You're thinking Christmas elves, and I think he's talking about the 'Lord of the Rings' variety.

Ralof; This is Helgen. I used to be sweet on a girl from here. Wonder if Vilod is still making that mead with juniper berries mixed in.

Marik; Excellent idea! Let's go find out!

Ralof; Funny, when I was a boy, Imperial walls and towers used to make me feel so safe.

Marik; I'm feeling a lot of things right now, but safe is definitely not one of them!

Lokir; Why are we stopping?

Ralof; Why do you think? End of the line.

Marik; Hold on! I'm innocent! I just started playing this game, and they're about to kill me?!

Ralof; Let's go. Shouldn't keep the gods waiting for us.

Marik; I don't even know about your gods!

Lokir; No wait! We're not rebels!

Ralof; Face your death with some courage, thief.

Marik; Speak for yourself Thor! I'm with Loki over here!

Lokir; You've got to tell them! We weren't with you! This is a mistake!

Imperial Captain; Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time.

Ralof; Empire loves their damn lists.

Marik; Oh great, thanks for reminding me of my unfulfilled bucket list!

Hadvar; Ulfric Stormcloak, Jarl of Windhelm.

Marik; What the frigg is a Jarl anyway?

Ralof; It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfric.

Hadvar; Ralof of Riverwood.

Marik; Ralof? I'm just going to keep calling you Thor.

Hadvar; Lokir of Rorikstead.

Lokir; No! I'm not a rebel! You can't do this!

Imperial Captain; Halt!

Lokir; You're not going to kill me!

Marik; Run Loki, Run!

Imperial Captain; Archers!

Marik; Oh crap.

 **Lokir dies of arrow**

Imperial Captain; Anyone else feel like running?

Marik; Not me. I'd rather not take an arrow to the ass.

Hadvar; Wait, you there, step forward.

Marik; Augh! Involuntary walking simulator, 2016.

Hadvar; Who are you?

Marik; I am Marik IstaAUGH! Oh, It's the...character creation...Jeez, no wonder Thor called me his brother, I look exactly like him. Why call these guys Nords? Why not just say human? Well, that's boring. What's a Khajiit? Holy crap! I get to play as a cat again?! "EFF" YEAH!

Bakura; Marik, don't even think about it!

Marik; But...but cats Bakura!

Bakura; You already played as a cat during Star Wars, it's redundant.

Marik; Screw you! I'm going with...

Bakura; IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, I WILL SHOVE THAT MILENIUM ROD RIGHT UP YOUR...

Marik; ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! Jeez! You're the biggest buzzkill ever. Let's see. Orc. Augh! Mr T, you're looking a little green. And when I say a little green, I mean you look like Shrek with a sunburn. And you really need to go to the dentist. Let's see. Redguard. Nah. Wood elf...He looks like Richard Simmons! Going back up. Imperial, since this is the same race that's trying to kill me, no. Let's see...High Elf. Whoa! This guy's got a friggin' sweet tan! Solid gold skin. Dark elf...AUGH! He looks like Christopher Walkin if he was in Avatar...with extremely bloodshot eyes. Let's see. That Breton looks like Alfred Molina. 'I am Marik, King of the Bretons!'

Bakura; Well I didn't vote for you.

Marik; Well played. What's an Argonian? AUGH! It's like a rejected cast member from Extreme Dinosaurs. Let's just go with the high elf. It said he's the best at magic. Plus he sounds like he has a very good marijuana tolerance.

Bakura; Well that sounds perfect for you.

Marik; I'm gonna give him a mullet. Also if there's one thing I learned from playing Devil May Cry, it's that having white hair automatically makes you a badass.

Bakura; I couldn't agree with you more.

Marik; That doesn't apply to you. Your alter ego cancels out all of your attempts at being a badass.

Bakura; Hey!

Hadvar; You're not with the Thalmor Embassy, are you, high elf? No, that can't be right...

Marik; Of course I'm not! How could you confuse me with those...Oh right. They're elves too.

Hadvar; Captain, what should we do? He's not on the list.

Marik; AHA! See?! I'm not on the list, so (singsong) you can't kill me!

Captain; Forget the list. He goes to the block.

Marik; WHAT?!

Hadvar; By your orders captain. I'm sorry. We'll make sure your remains are returned to the Summerset Isles. Follow the captain, prisoner.

Marik; But you just said I'm not on the list! I'm innocent! POLICE BRUTALITY! If I get out of this I am SO joining the rebels!

Tullius; Ulfric Stormcloak. Some here in Helgen call you a hero. But a hero doesn't use a power like the Voice to murder his king and usurp his throne.

Marik; The Voice? What does a ripoff of American Idol have to do with taking over someone's kingdom?

Tullius; You started this war, plunged Skyrim into chaos, and now the Empire is going to put you down and restore the peace.

 **dragon roaring in the distance**

Hadvar; What was that?

Marik; Sounded like an airplane going by.

Bakura; I really don't think those have been invented yet.

Tullius; It's nothing. Carry on.

Captain; Yes General Tullius.

Priestess of Arkay; As we commend your souls to Aetherius, blessings of the Eight Divines upon you, for you are the salt and earth of Nirn, our beloved...

Marik; Blah blah blah blah blah, if you're going to keep preaching like that, I'm going first.

Stormcloak Soldier; For the love of Talos, shut up and let's get this over with.

Marik; My words exactly...except for the Talos part. Who the frigg is he?

Stormcloak Soldier; Come on. I haven't got all morning.

Marik; Well, not now you don't. You're the idiot who decided to go first.

Stormcloak Soldier; My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperials. Can you say the same?

Bakura; I really don't think they care.

Ralof; As fearless in death as he was in life.

Marik; Since when does fearless mean stupid?

Captain; Next, the High Elf.

Marik; No! Not the high elf next! Kill that Ulfric guy! I need time for a getaway!

*dragon roaring closer*

Hadvar; There it is again. Did you hear that?

Captain; I said, next prisoner!

Hadvar; To the block, prisoner. Nice and easy.

Marik; Again with the involuntary walking?! You're frigging kidding me! Is this guy seriously about to kill me?! That's just stupid! The game just started!...You'd better not be bending me over for...

 **dragon appears**

Holy crap!

Tullius; What in Oblivion is that?!

Marik; What the frigg do you think it is?!

Captain; Sentries! What do you see?

Stormcloak Soldier; Dragon!

Bakura; Wait. Does that black dragon have red eyes?

Marik; Why are you focusing on Oh my god! JOEY WHEELER!

 **Alduin's shout creates a huge storm**

Marik; AUGH! WHAT THE FRIGG WAS WHEELER THINKING?! DOES THE WORD OVERKILL MEAN NOTHING TO HIM?!

Ralof; Hey, high elf. Get up! Come on, the gods won't give us another chance!

Marik; I'm coming! I'm coming! As soon as I see Joey Wheeler, he's getting an arrow to the ass.

Bakura; HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Marik; It's when you laugh that way that I don't want to know what's going on in that British head of your's.

Ralof; Jarl Ulfric! What is that thing? Could the legends be true?!

Marik; What do you think it is?! Jeez!

Ulfric; Legends don't burn down villages.

Marik; Try telling that to the Winged Dragon of Ra.

Ulfric; We need to move! Now!

Ralof; Up through the tower! Let's go!

Marik; I seriously doubt there's a bridge up there leading right across to...

 **Alduin breaks through the wall**

Marik; AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

Alduin; Yol Toor SHUL!

Marik; You're looking a little sunburnt there.

Ralof; See that inn on the other side? Jump through the roof and keep going.

Marik; Jump?! Where the "EFF" are you going?!

Ralof; Go! Now! We'll follow when we can!

Marik; Oh crap! GERONIMOOOOOOOOOO! Ow! I almost felt that.

Hadvar; Walk towards me!

Marik; Didn't your people try to kill me?!

Hadvar; Atta boy. You're doing great!

Marik; Yes, aside from his father dying, he's doing great.

Hadvar; Still alive prisoner? Keep close to me if you want to stay that way.

Marik; After you jerks just tried to kill me?!

Hadvar; Gunnar, take care of the boy. I have to find General Tullius and join the defense.

Marik; What's left to defend?! I'm getting the frigg out of here!

Hadvar; Stay close to the wall!

Marik; If the dragon sees us, I'm using you as a human shield!

Hadvar; It's you and me prisoner! Stay close to me!

Marik; I don't have to outrun the dragon! I just have to outrun you!

Hadvar; Ralof you damn traitor! Outta my way!

Marik; Hey! There's my pal Thor!

Ralof; We're escaping Hadvar. You're not stopping us this time.

Hadvar; Fine! I hope that dragon takes you all to Sovngarde!

Ralof; You come on! Into the keep!

Bakura; And now the decision. Imperial Legion, or...

Marik; STORMCLOAKS FOR THE WIN!

Bakura; Marik! Wait! Bollocks. You just couldn't play differently than Star Wars.

Marik; I played a Sith last time. Those Thalmor looked like Sith if I've ever seen one.


End file.
